Burning Water and Warm Hearts...

I went to waterfire tonight with my friend Meg and Dave (aka Turban Boy).  

I spent most of the night with him, walking around the city trying to find his friend Chris (who isn't very good with directions) and every time he brushed up against me I wished it wasn't as brief.

There was beautiful music playing and I had the strong temptation to start dancing with him, if it was the only way I could make him stay near me for more than a second.

I asked him to dance once. He told me he saved dancing for people he loved.

Months later, he asked me to dance with him. I told him I don't dance. 

I knew about him. I remembered what he had said. I love to dance. 

I didn't want to accept that I was falling for him because he's not the type of guy who tries to get your attention, or plays with you. He pushes you away because he doesn't ever think he's worth you. I wish he could see how amazing he is.

I worry that he never will. That would be horrible. I can't imagine how broken I would feel if he never realized that. I don't think I've ever told him though. I guess it's sort of my fault then.

I think he loves me too. Meg seems to think we were made for each other. She knows me better than I do, so I believe her. But I don't want to.  I'm not ready to be mature enough; to accept that I've grown to not want the 'prince charming'.  It's strange to me, because I've always been that way.  Like everyone else.

Its because I care to much. I care too much about what people think about me. Which, I guess isn't wrong really, because it's the norm, which means it's acceptable, but I desperately want to be a person who doesn't care. Most people think I don't, but the truth is, I'm just a really good fake.

I keep trying to describe him but I don't think it's possible for me to say it with words. I don't think anyone could. He's such a complex person, if anyone claimed to capture who he is with words it would be wrong. He's endless.

 I love him.

Don't Move

You apologoze for things to come

that never come

I still wait

You asked to

put your arm around me

You spend time

thinking of words

but don't speak

I try to sort you out

to read you

but it seems

your paged have been burned 

and tattered your self hatred

Written in a language I don't know 

and you can't even recall

the words that were once spelled out clearly

on clean white pages

I used to think you didn't move

I used to watch you

I see now

You can move more 

without moving

You are the safety net

catching my fall

when I carefully tiptoe around my emotions

and my mistakes

and slip in the pools of tears

You are a glass

from which I drink in

each precious word

like water in the desert

to build the structure of my being

so that I  might finally have the means to tell you

With that same soft whisper

The whisper of a movement you made

when you went to hold my hand

And you've moved more in me

without moving.

Preparations for what exactly?

Ok so my mom has been in an uncharacteristically nice mood lately. Which is amazing.  And I'm really enjoying the peace.

Im going to camp in about 2 weeks and there's no laundry so I need enough clothes to last me. And being that my wardrobe consists of about 3 pairs of pants and 5 shirts...i need a little more.  So my mom's taken me shopping a lot and she bought me loads of stuff. Which is nice in all but i feel like that money could be going towards some more important things...

A few months ago my dad got laid off and he had tried out a job and then quit because he didn't like how it was going.  My mom hasn't been getting any income lately because she's an interior designer and the recession isn't really allowing anyone to buy new properties, never mind get them professionally decorated.  It's pretty scary when you see envelopes all over your house from the unemployment agencies, and final notices on electric bills.

But about 4 weeks ago I overheard conversations about my dad getting a great new job with a life insurance company. And I figure, hey, as long as people are alive they'll be buying life insurance, so i think we're all set.

But no. 

I'm getting a pair of really nice headphones for my birthday in August, but my current pair broke the other day so I asked if I could get an 'advance' on my birthday gift so I would have headphones for camp and I was accused of "pushing". 

I figured out why today.  Turns out my dad doesn't actually have the job yet.  He's training.  Which means no income.  Which means there's been no income for around 4 months now.

And my mom is shopping and getting pedicures and manicures...I don't understand.  She won't buy me a pair of $7o dollar headphones but yet she'll go to J. Crew and spend any amount of money while we have no income.  It's just plain irresponsible of her to act that way when we're in the situation we are in financially.  She's just addicted to stuff.  It's disgusting.

I hate her

Oh my...

Yeah, so lots of stuff going on lately.  

I finally got my photography  up on DeviantArt!!! Some really cool stuff, check it out.

We painted the floor in the room where we got rid of the carpet and it looks ridiculous. Im indecisive to whether its ridiculously awesome, or just ridiculous.  But my mom is gonna make me paint a design of some sort that might ruin it or make it more ridiculously awesome or just more ridiculous. It echos in that room cuz there's no furniture still. 

Its crazy.

My doggie has an ear infection and he's acting very sad. Dad's cheap so he refuses to take him to the vet. Dumb dad. grr :(

I dunno. Im gonna start writing more often again. 

Pulling up carpets!

Ok so this morning I wake up at around 11 and go wish my day a happy father's day and i find him all grimy and in the den chopping up the carpet...

I was like "Happy...father's day...daddy...what...are you dong???"

To be honest I was pretty happy about this, but its a strange thing to wake up to.

That carpet was nastyyyyy.  So I was ecstatic that it was going to be gone.  But underneath was cement, which is sorta upsetting.  But we're gonna paint it a fancy color and it'll look amazing and great and I'm souped.

But of course he puts me to work pulling out the nails from the edges of the floor while I'm still in my frickin pajamas.  I was thinking to myself the whole time but I want to go back to bedddddd!! but I didn't complain cuz it's fathers day and so I figured I would put up with it for a little while, but the SECOND I got the chance to escape I did and I took a shower and then got on the computer to watch Dr. Who (yes I do realize what a nerd I am don't worry).

So that was basically the highlight of my day.

But guess where my sister was all day yesterday??? HMMM?!!?

New York with a few of her friends seeing Rent on broadway.  Yeah, she's seen Rent twice, Wicked twice and on top of THIS she's going to see both of them again in the next 2 months. (She's staying in NY for a week with a friend to see Rent)

ALL of which my parents are paying for gladly.  And i can't even get a new pair of headphones, or enough money to go to the movies. Or a RIDE for that matter.

Whatever.  I'd say I have stuff to do, but I'd be lying. So, bye I guess.

Mini-golf and Rabbits...

Ok so, even though I don't get along with my dad particularly well, it's Father's day weekend so I figured I could find it in myself to humor him for a 'bonding day'.

It actually didn't go too bad.  

We went mini-golfing and it was relatively fun, which is saying a lot for a day spent with my dad...

While we were putting, all of a sudden this tiny little rabbit hops across the green. 

Just...hopping, like it had nowhere to be.  It didn't even care that we were there.   It let me get about a foot and a half away from it before it very non-chalantly scooted a few feet away.  I was so surprised that it wasn't afraid. It was so tiny and adorable!!!  I wanted to take it home with me it was so cute.

But anywho, I suck at mini-golf so I lost (4 over par...not TOO bad I guess)

So then I come home and I'm all sweaty and disgusting and my friend calls and asks if i want to go out...ew.

I was like, oh, sure.

It was sad.  I couldn't find any clothes and I felt like a pig and it was just bad.  I mean, I cleaned up and whatnot, but still...ew.

So i went to see Hulk and it was comically atrocious! XD

There's my review for The Incredible Hulk : Comically atrocious...

Night!

Surprise, SURPRISE!

Ok so I went to my little cousin's pre-school graduation, and my whole family went because this is something that apparently we are very proud of (I'm not fighting it, it makes me excited too), like, grandparents and uncles and aunts.

INCLUDING, my Auntie Kim who lives in London currently and comes to visit from time to time.

But the best part is, I had NO IDEA she was coming for a visit and I got souped.

She's one of the 2-3 of my family members that I actually get along with, and we're very close.  I confide in her and she gives great advice.  She even helped my sister out when she was struggling with being bi.

I WAS SO EXCITED and I wanted to like, tackle her with love, but I couldn't because she was seated at the center of a row of very delicate looking senior citizens, over whom I decided not to dive.

So I take my seat near the other end of the aisle and watch the cute little ceremony of ADORABLE little kids.

And there's this one little girl, Morgan I think was her name, that caught my attention.  She would not sit still for the ENTIRE time and she was making faces to the other little kids around her causing basically, an uproar of bad behavior.

It's a super power of sorts, to have that talent, and I thought to myself "RIGHT ON LITTLE GIRL..." 

At one point we caught eye contact, and she made a face at me, and I, having the maturity level of a 7 year old (on a good day) return with the best face I can muster up.

This continued for about 15 minutes.

And then, something tragic happened.

We were caught. 

Some lady that was taking pictures noticed Morgan, and looked in the direction she was looking to see me sticking my tongue out.

Lady: "Does she know you?"

Me: "...no..."

Lady: glare

Me: fit of giggles among my sister and I

And THEN...something even worse happened...

A man, middle-aged, turns around from the row in front of me and asks "Is that your daughter over there? She keeps looking over here..."

I was like, completely stunned.  I'm frickin 14 years old and this guy's asking if it's my kid...

I was just like "...oh...no...I'm a cousin..."

I didn't know how to react at all. There was shock. And yet another fit of giggles from my sister and I.  But I must admit, I was a bit upset.  I mean, I like to think I look like a teenager...

hm. Whatever. I'll get over it.  I guess I need beauty sleep if I look like I'm a mom. Night...